Uncertainties

Derrick Ho Chee Keong, you are someone who places me in a world of uncertainties, one who have forsaken me in time of needs. Times and again, you have let me down and forgiveness is something that you took for granted.

Over the years, I offered all the help that I can to you and even extended it to your wife and son but none of you appreciated me as a friend. I did your housework when Irene is at God knows where, offered a placed for you to stay when you argued with Irene, was there for you when you found out that Irene is cheating on you with my bartender, gathered evidences of adultery in order for you to get your son’s custody in case of a divorce, gave you financial support when your pub is in trouble, assisted you in your lawsuit with the property agent, paid all the debts Irene owned over gambling, even my mom took care of your son when you are out clubbing with your friends. I did everything I can as a friend to both of you; I did too much in fact. But in the end, I am still unworthy of your respect and friendship.

There were so many incident that I can quote about how badly you have treated me as a friend regardless of how hard I have proven myself to be worthy for more. But I just want to name a significant two that will not fade away no matter how much time had passed.

Recalling one of the incidents that took placed more than 10 years ago, my heart still cries out in fear. You dumped me at Mount Faber alone and drove back home to sleep soundly. Leaving me the only option to walk downhill through the poorly lighted driveway, I was just a teenager! Back then, mobile phone wasn’t as handy as it is now, thus I couldn’t call out for help and I couldn’t find help. Afraid and all, I cried my way out of the eerie park. You never even bother to call to check if I had made it back home safely. I was disheartened.

Next incident happened just a few years back when I was financially crippled after paying off Jeremy’s drug debts but still needed some cash for my regular pregnancy check up. I ask of you to return the money that Irene had owned me since forever. Instead of doing me right, both of you keep procrastinating and ignoring my needs. I felt forsaken.

I went the hard way to realize that there is no such thing as a true friend. I lost all faith in friendship. I went into withdrawal; I cut off contact with most of my friends and insolated myself so as to protect me from getting hurt again. I came to realization that no matter how much one give into a friendship does not tag you as a worthy friend. I was inconsolable.

After all these, you…you still have the cheek to MSN me today. I hesitated and stoned for a moment. Thoughts of ignoring you flush through my mind along with all the unhappy memories that both of you have brought to me; however I still reply to you. I can strongly sense your attempt to bury the past but I can’t. How can I forget such hypocritical acts? You mentioned that you are going through divorce now and have moved out of the house. I have the urge to care and prompt further but I restricted myself so badly. Tried so hard not to show that I still care for the ones who did their best to hurt me. You need a lawyer and that’s all you needed. You do not NEED a friend.

I was determined to delete you from my friends list but why did you call me again! Can I still be so firm with a decision I made years ago? This is the time to prove myself.

Lost

This is my third week in this new company. I am here for the seventh day but I still have no knowledge of anything. Apparently there was any training provided. I was surprised that there wasn’t even a briefing on the company policy and procedure. I know nothing on the way they work. I do not even have the most basic and essential fare list to dated in spite that I have asked for it over and over again.

Without the help, I figure I just have to figure my way on how they do things. When in doubt I should ask around. However, this does not seem to work out. Tried asking my supervisor but she just give me lame and superficial answer. There is no attempt to explain in depth to make sure that I understand them. Alternatively, I tried to ask the colleague next to me. She is such an idiot. She speaks so softly as though she is speaking to the ants. I will not get deaf if she speaks slightly louder. I am so annoyed. Tried to get some answer from her but she is either not helpful or hopeful. She could not answer to the simplest question that I have for her like the position of another colleague despite she had been here for 5 years. The rest of the colleague is simply redundant. They treated me as though as I am invisible.

All this conclude that this is a place where one has to pick everything up themselves, the individual require extremely high EQ to work with such insensitive colleagues. Sad to say, I am not such individual, thus I am not cut for the work.

Working here makes me depressed. Why do I get penalize for something that I have not information on. If it had been my knowledge on the job that was insufficient, all this is justifiable but if it’s been there is no help when I did attempt to seek for, this is UNJUSTICE. I couldn’t do my job if there is no direction, no help and no justice. I feel absolutely useless here and this is demoralizing for me.

What is it that can make me stay here and be of use? What is the future that lies ahead of me? What is left for me? What should I do? Do I stay or do I leave for a better environment? What is a better environment? Is there any even? Oh, what can I do?